You're Lame

When I was in high school I dated possibly THE worst person to ever live. I don't say this because I'm bitter, I actually wish him well now and have absolutely no hard feelings. Honestly, I do. All that remains now are the cold hard facts that he was a terrible excuse for a human.

Now looking back, I have some pretty humorous stories from it. It helps to have a circle of friends that remind you about the hilarity of craziness. I was speaking to a close friend right before this post and she reminded me of one particular outrageous tale. I use tale lightly, as this story is not even a slight exaggeration. Nothing has been twisted in my hands. Facts.

I was either 17 or 18 years old and Lord Voldemort lived on the edge of the city. Now we lived in a twin city, and he didn't live on the edge of my city but the other one...the farther one. I won't go into his evil nature, but we did have a very tumultuous relationship and it exploded one day I was at his place. A place where I had to cab to (20 dollars...a lot for a lady on Gap wages) because my parents hated him so much that they were beginning to refuse to drive me to see him. A place that was the only house for a 25 minute walk in any direction and approximately a 4 hour walk from my parent's house.

After this explosion (the only way to accurately describe out arguments), I decided I couldn't take any more of him and took off with my things down the road. I think he might have even locked me out of his house at this point.

I have mentioned this before but I really have no understanding of distance, time or mental arithmetic. My brain just cannot comprehend these basic skills. It's alright though, we can't be good at everything... So I thought the walk would take me maybe...an hour. Look above at the actual timings. I'm not proud in the lapse in judgement.

As I began to walk, the gravity of my hopeless journey, troubled relationship, and genuine misery with the whole situation took hold. This was a time before everyone was hooked up to their phones like life support. I luckily did have a flip phone though and began desperately dialing my parents. No answer. Screening their calls? Possibly... I called all of the people in my life that were obliged to love me and therefore take pity on me and drive me to safety. Not a single one of them could get me and I'm talking, I come from a "broken home" there are many obligated family members.

Now, as you can imagine I am walking down country roads, in flip-flops and the doom of a much longer walk is in front of me. I become panicked and weepy. I curse my life. I might have even stooped as low as to kick the dirt and scream up to the sky. I continue to walk. And walk. It begins to rain. And rain. I'm just reaching the edge of civilisation yet still hours from my house.

Finally I get in touch with my best friends. And this is why they are the best, they dropped everything to pile into a car and pick me up from my own personal hell. I had to continue walking until they would reach me. It would take a while.

I walked another hour and in this time I did begin to become desperately sad again. I, not quite a religious person but still on the edge of a Roman Catholic upbringing, asked my distant buddy God why the f*ck he was punishing me and why was my life was so shit? At this exact moment I had my internal monologue, I heard my phone buzz in my pocket. I take out the phone, flip it open and read the text that just came through.

No word of a lie, it reads, as in a message from our good Lord and saviour... "you're lame." An answer to all my woes and the reason my life had become a pile of shit, I was lame.

It was of course, not from Him but from his arch-enemy instead. This was the straw that broke my back. I wept in the streets, stationary, until my friends found me on the side of the road and broke me out of my mood from laughing uncontrollably at the state I was in. Saved my life, and probably my lower back from walking in flippy-floppies.

It was months and possibly even years before they ever let me live down this wild state I was in and the misfortune of the "you're lame" text. In fact, out of the blue it was brought up today by my dear old friend. Although this time in my life was probably my lowest point, I'd say it isn't so bad if I got stories like this out of it.