Recently, I've been forced to spend time with someone who I had some romantic connection with in the past. I wouldn't say ex, but I'd say we dabbled. All too often we hear to stay away from people we once loved and lost because it's hard on our spirit. But if you can get passed it, it can be a great thing.
Don't get me wrong, it is hard though. But why?
I guess we show that person more of us than we do most people. They see exposed bits of our hearts and souls that we spend time covering up. We want to be together and strong, but they know your weaknesses. You are made fully human.
It is also difficult depending on who did the breaking up. If you ended it with them, there might be fear of sending them unclear signals. You don't want to muddy the waters and leave them confused by what you're after.
If they've broken up with you, it can be a fresh wound you are rubbing salt in. Why do they want me in their life but not entirely? What about me isn't good enough to be their partner? Do they still love me romantically? There can be confusion and blurriness that tears you in two directions. We hear being near someone you once loved can prevent you from ever getting over them. But can it really?
Let's say we are to look at this completely practically and logically. First, you need to fully embrace that you are not ever meant to be with this person. The fact is, you're not. If you were meant to be with them, you would be. The breakup wouldn't have happened. When you find the person you want to be with, you'll be with them. Not sitting around wondering if you should or shouldn't.
Once you've swallowed that sadness pill and fully accepted that cold hard truth, you will likely start seeing why it's better for you to be friends. This is helpfully reinforced when you spend time with your ex or talk to them. All the things you didn't like about them reaffirm why you wouldn't want them as a life partner and all the good things remind you why you still want them somewhat in your life.
Great. Fab. They're around now. Maybe on the phone or in person. Now what do you do with that?
Well, you need to solidify the friendship and move away from the blur. The only way I think I saw this shift was when we started talking about new loves and interests. The first time it was brought up, the words were actually cutting. What do you mean you love it when she does _____? I thought you hated that... What do you mean best kiss? F*ck you buddy. But maturity (and job circumstance) made me let it go. The more it's talked about, the more the relationship shifts. It's no longer about you two, but about your friend and their new person or vice versa.
This discussion also can give you insight into your ways as a partner and the reactions or paths you choose to take. When discussing new relationships with an ex that cares about you as a friend, they want your life to be happy. They don't want you to go down a path you went with them and lead to dark days. They can see you. They can tell you when you are being crazy or when you need to stand up for yourself more. They push you to be better than you were with them.
I find for myself, that I repeat the same relationship problems. I get insecure about something and I cling on or I become too cold when I should be caring and supportive. My sarcastic and deadpan undertones can be misinterpreted as disinterest or callousness. However, when you're in it. You're in it. For me, it's tunnel vision. Good guy friends can remind you that those behaviours are self-destructive and good guy friend exes, can speak to it on a more personal level.
This of course is assuming you still care and love your exes on some level. Obviously I have some dirt rat exes that I wouldn't give water to if they were dehydrating in a gutter. These exes I'm talking about should want you to happy and realise that they couldn't do that for you. Not wholly.
When you're in that position of having someone care for you but not want to rejoin your intimate life, there is a freedom in that. You can do the things you might have censored before in your dating realm, all while having someone who truly cares near. I know, it sounds impossible to get there with a person, but you can. Me being forced to do so has made me cherish the actual friendship that remains after the initial fires have been put out.
I'm not sure how it will all play out, so this post could be entirely moot but it's worth a try, or at the very least, a story.
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