Why it's good to be friends with an ex...if you can.

Recently, I've been forced to spend time with someone who I had some romantic connection with in the past. I wouldn't say ex, but I'd say we dabbled. All too often we hear to stay away from people we once loved and lost because it's hard on our spirit. But if you can get passed it, it can be a great thing.

Don't get me wrong, it is hard though. But why?

I guess we show that person more of us than we do most people. They see exposed bits of our hearts and souls that we spend time covering up. We want to be together and strong, but they know your weaknesses. You are made fully human.

It is also difficult depending on who did the breaking up. If you ended it with them, there might be fear of sending them unclear signals. You don't want to muddy the waters and leave them confused by what you're after.

If they've broken up with you, it can be a fresh wound you are rubbing salt in. Why do they want me in their life but not entirely? What about me isn't good enough to be their partner? Do they still love me romantically? There can be confusion and blurriness that tears you in two directions. We hear being near someone you once loved can prevent you from ever getting over them. But can it really?

Let's say we are to look at this completely practically and logically. First, you need to fully embrace that you are not ever meant to be with this person. The fact is, you're not. If you were meant to be with them, you would be. The breakup wouldn't have happened. When you find the person you want to be with, you'll be with them. Not sitting around wondering if you should or shouldn't.

Once you've swallowed that sadness pill and fully accepted that cold hard truth, you will likely start seeing why it's better for you to be friends. This is helpfully reinforced when you spend time with your ex or talk to them. All the things you didn't like about them reaffirm why you wouldn't want them as a life partner and all the good things remind you why you still want them somewhat in your life.

Great. Fab. They're around now. Maybe on the phone or in person. Now what do you do with that?

Well, you need to solidify the friendship and move away from the blur. The only way I think I saw this shift was when we started talking about new loves and interests. The first time it was brought up, the words were actually cutting. What do you mean you love it when she does _____? I thought you hated that... What do you mean best kiss? F*ck you buddy. But maturity (and job circumstance) made me let it go. The more it's talked about, the more the relationship shifts. It's no longer about you two, but about your friend and their new person or vice versa.

This discussion also can give you insight into your ways as a partner and the reactions or paths you choose to take. When discussing new relationships with an ex that cares about you as a friend, they want your life to be happy. They don't want you to go down a path you went with them and lead to dark days. They can see you. They can tell you when you are being crazy or when you need to stand up for yourself more. They push you to be better than you were with them.

I find for myself, that I repeat the same relationship problems. I get insecure about something and I cling on or I become too cold when I should be caring and supportive. My sarcastic and deadpan undertones can be misinterpreted as disinterest or callousness. However, when you're in it. You're in it. For me, it's tunnel vision. Good guy friends can remind you that those behaviours are self-destructive and good guy friend exes, can speak to it on a more personal level.

This of course is assuming you still care and love your exes on some level. Obviously I have some dirt rat exes that I wouldn't give water to if they were dehydrating in a gutter. These exes I'm talking about should want you to happy and realise that they couldn't do that for you. Not wholly.

When you're in that position of having someone care for you but not want to rejoin your intimate life, there is a freedom in that. You can do the things you might have censored before in your dating realm, all while having someone who truly cares near. I know, it sounds impossible to get there with a person, but you can. Me being forced to do so has made me cherish the actual friendship that remains after the initial fires have been put out.

I'm not sure how it will all play out, so this post could be entirely moot but it's worth a try, or at the very least, a story.

Fiberglass Childhood

Today I got a fibreglass sliver. When I told my friend this happened, I thought immediately it would be followed by some sort of solidarity. "Oh yes Katie! Those are the worst! They never come out! They only instead work deeper and deeper into your body until they become part of your bone structure."

Nope.

Instead I got, "what the f*ck is that?"

I feel like a huge part of my childhood was spent getting and subsequently spending time removing slivers of fibreglass lodged into my fingers and oddly...ass cheeks. I thought this was something that most people experienced. But then as I started to recount my experiences of when I GOT these slivers, I realised they were completely unique to me as most children's grandparents didn't have life-size fibreglass frames of cars in their backyards. The whitest of trash.

As mentioned four words ago, yes, my grandpa did have a fibreglass car in his yard. How it got there and why, I never knew or asked - I just knew I never wanted it to go away. My cousins and I would crawl in and out of it, pretending to drive away from heists etc. all while dodging hornet nests and slivers. We never felt the sharp pangs of skin destruction until after a play date and our adrenaline had settled, then it was game over. I wouldn't be able to sit for days. I would have sharp, cut-like sensations on the back of my legs/ass causing me to whine and hop around in agony. My grandma would give us damp facecloths to soak the wounds and my dad would scratch the area with a credit card, hoping to remove any bits from the surface. It was true though, fibreglass once in, never out. I'm sure that parts of my body are completely indestructible due to their plastic content.

Even as the car continued to degrade and decompose and our wounds became more and more severe, we all hoped the car would stay forever. I remember the day it was gone and I was heartbroken. The car was a cruel mistress, but it provided hours and hours of entertainment. Nearly a masochist lifestyle at 10, but we loved that car. Today the sharp burning in my finger reminded me of these sweet times and I longed for warm summers, short shorts, and burning red back of the thighs.

Zero F*cks Given

Well I've started 2015 with a failure.

One of my resolutions was to write more...more specifically, write 31 blog posts in 31 days. I failed.
But guess what, I don't care.

Not because I don't appreciate my readers or believe in following through with a pledge, but because another one of my resolutions is to care less about things that don't actually matter in the grand scheme of life. To "Shake it off" as T Swift puts it so catchily.

I've decided to not give a f*ck as much as I used to about things that would have made me feel guilty or a little be ashamed before.

Someone said to me a few months ago, everything in moderation including moderation. Clever. And I agree. The now trending line of "zero f*cks given" is fantastic as it reminds us that some things that happen to us are really not that important. Some pledges we make and break with ourselves, just happen because life is constantly fluid. Previously I would have felt immense guilt for bailing on a resolution so early in the year but really, I flew back to London, I started working and I got tired. Dead tired. So I don't give a f*ck that I didn't write because now I can.

I vow we all give a few less f*cks about the small things but give a few more for people that are worth it.

Last Visits

Tomorrow I head back home to London. This weekend has been finishing up any last minute visits. Today I went over to see the lovely and ever beautiful Jaime and her family.

More often than not, women are seen as competitors of each other and fight tooth and nail over the smallest things. Instead of acknowledging other women's talents and beauty, we pick apart even the tiniest details and throw them under the bus.

One person you could not even find flaw with, is my friend Jaime and trust me, I've tried (wink). She is hilarious, talented, loving and absolutely glowing. It's times like these that I wish I lived closer to home because she is an inspiration. After visiting Jaime and her funny family, I left feeling energised and uplifted. She has a way of seeing the funny side of everything and can laugh off the small or even sometimes the big stuff.

Female role models are important for women, both in their youth and as adults. It was great to reconnect with someone that inspires me to lead an entertaining but family-centred life.

I will definitely miss all my friends and family who keep me grounded and remind me of who I am. However, it is time to go back and return to the life I have built.

Book Binge

I love books. Like the actual book itself, not necessarily reading. Don't get me wrong, reading is amazing and I was raised on it. My mum being a librarian, really hammered home the importance of literacy and where a book can take you. But now in my older, more hectic lifestyle, I find it hard to find time to sit in one place let alone read a book.

This has not stopped me from accruing books as if I were ripping through one a week. I still consider myself quite well read, whilst probably actually being one illiterate S.O.B.

There is something about the way they look - hard covers that give a satisfying knock when you drum your fingers on them, beige soft pages, catchy titles, smart cover art - it all draws me in.

This holiday alone I have purchased numerous books, books that I must now lug home in my carry-on back to London.

Each year season month I record a reading list to get through and now more often than not I barely scratch the surface.



This year another one of my resolutions is to read more and watch less.



The first book I'm going to power through is Yes Please by Amy Poehler. Let's see if Leslie Knope can get the ball rolling for 2015. You can see its edge just below Lena Dunham's but above Insurgent (don't judge, you don't know me.)

31 in 31 part deux

The starting of a new year means the starting of once again lying to ourselves about all changes we're going to make for a better life. Usually mine involve some sort of physical fitness challenge (insert background laugh track), a decision to have a positive outlook (fuck that), or a dedication to a new skill i.e. knitting, kite flying, basket weaving or the like.

This year, I've decided that I will make small promises to ensure they can be fulfilled. I find that when I make a daily "to-do" list and I included things like brush teeth, wake up, shower, etc. I feel much more accomplished when I cross them off. It also gets the ball rolling so I might actually tackle an important job such as "paying rent" or "lesson planning" or "grocery shopping."

So I've brought back the 31 in 31 to hopefully keep up my writing routine. I also have brought back the "no shame" promise to myself. Once, I gave up shame for Lent and it was the best 40 days of my life. No more dark mornings or pillow wallowing. It's time to live the dream and be laughing while I do it.

I have a great feeling about 2015 and thanks for sharing the start with me.