I don't think I have ever really been in love or loved someone like I have felt recently, but again life changes and becomes a cruel mistress.
I once again find myself going through a tumultuous time of separation and recovery. So what to do?
Kanye wrote an album about it, but unfortunately I don't have all his talents.
Usual things to keep me alive when even breathing hurts:
- ordering mass amounts of food to be delivered from around the corner to your door (even though you have no appetite)
- pilfering Netflix from the ex until the password is changed
- actively not showering.
Like, finding ways of doing things differently so I don't have to get wet. i.e.
getting food delivered instead of walking 7 minutes to the shop. Note - I enjoy this way more than a normal human should.
I don't smell, don't get me wrong, but I like the physical sign of unhappiness.
The way my hair stays like those old Cabbage Patch dolls with bendy hair you
could mould into any shape.
- reading the back of cereal boxes/food items as that is the only attention span I have for literacy right now
- crying over the dishes he left in the sink or his dirty laundry in the bottom of the hamper- scream-singing every Tegan and Sara song and even some old Celine's
- pacing (this is far more comforting than I thought it would be. In fact, I'm starting to see the joy of walking up and down the hallway, counting footsteps. And beginning to realise how closely a break up resembles behaviour showcased in the film, A Beautiful Mind.)
I even tried going out with some friends this weekend but my vibe was so low that I ended up bringing the energy of the entire group to new depths. By the end, I had successful, happy friends questioning their own life choices. What is this all about? Does love exist? Am I really proud of my life? If a tree falls in the woods, does anyone hear it? I eventually just had to just leave before we all ended up drinking some Kool Aid in a circle.
I have also exhausted my pool of friends to tap into and cry to. There are only so many times that you can say, "but why if we were in love?" before they cut off all communication. Another side note - it's only been two days.... two. So instead of talking about the only thing I want to talk about, I have to talk about really small things so that they continue to engage with me in a pleasant way. I talked about wind drafts in my house for 15 minutes today to just keep hearing human voice and not my own breathing whilst laying facedown on my couch.
It's also interesting how one's feelings can change so drastically over the course of a day when going through a break up.
Wake up (now about 5am) - Do I have to open my eyes today? Can my body liquify and just absorb into my mattress?
Morning - I can do this! I can do anything! I am a strong, confident woman who has a great life! I will live life to the fullest and not let this break my stride.
Lunch - I will literally die without him
Afternoon - Maybe if I am super cute and do all the right things, I can trick him into loving me again.
Dinner - I'm totally fine with this, in fact, I agree with it. I will write him to thank him for being the bigger person and doing it for what's best for both of us.
Evening - Bed. Bed without him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Weep.
Sleep - Sporadic and riddled with dreams of us.
All in all, it's the things that distract us or tricking us into believing it will be ok that keep us going. To this day, I still think it was the wrong choice and we should be together. But it is evening now...
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