Payback

Well there have been no further mouse spottings or deaths in the Haus of Mousie. so this is a different kind of payback.

I love to read. I need to read everyday and before bed or I can't sleep. I have stacks of books on my bedside table and reading lists from 2009 that always seem to carry over to the next year. One problem great thing with London is that there are bookshops everywhere and every station I go into has a bookstall close by for me to creep through. This inevitably leads to me purchasing new books and expanding my reading list. Sadly, the moment I feel I have control over the books I am going to read, WH Smith has a book sale (buy 1 book, get 6 free) and I have another huge stack to get through. I have been meaning to read Wuthering Heights for months now, but a new We Need to Talk About Kevin comes out and I have to snatch it up.

 

Why I read.

My book club doesn't help this sick addiction either, because 80-something year old ladies refer to me all these life-changing books that I just HAVE to read. This also brings with it their movie adaptations that I must see because it-is-nothing-like-the-book-but-just-as-poignant-and-life-altering-as-its-literary-match. Book club also messes up the order of the reading list, because there is a time pressure that comes with it. I have to read and research my latest book before our next meet, otherwise I will look like a chimp when Maggie (the 70-something year old retired English professor) says "the book has sweeping metaphors and symbolism similar, but not equal to that of Poe. Don't you agree Katie?" leaving me blank-faced and awe-inspired over these brilliant and revolutionary women. Something in their British accent also gives them an authority that makes my North American twang sound Neanderthal, "I think dem der books are mighty fine reads ma'am and I likes de looks of dem pages with all thurr words on it." So I am left to read book review after book review, and wikipedia pages of authors, publishers, print dates, etc.

One anthology we read in October had the ladies referencing the time periods the short stories were written in and they were comparing their previous works to this snippet. The women had of course NOT read the book in order from start to finish, but instead read by author according to those they liked the most to the least. They also referenced printing presses, cultural influences, and the authors' pets who undoubtedly shaped the entire text. I was baffled. I had read the book from start to middle and begrudgingly so as the stories used too many words like whilst and henceforth and I couldn't make out if the main character was happy or sad most of the time because the subtext was too coded.

Anyway, the point is, I have a lot of books and I search out only really classic, literary novels to read that will shape me as a person or entertain whole-heartedly. This is why I am deeply disappointed, if not disgusted, if a book misleads me. If I pick a shit book because I am in a hurry and don't put in the time, then it is my own fault. However, if I put in a solid 20 minutes into selecting your book, it better damn well be worth it. The last book I read had this on the front "Winner of the 2011 COSTA Novel Award" and "'Irresistibly compelling' - Daily Telegraph" "'Gripping' - The Times" and on the back a blurb of

Paris, 1785. A year of bones, of grave-dirt, relentless work. Of mummified corpses and chanting priests. A year of rape, suicide, sudden death. Of friendship too. Of desire. Of love.. A year unlike any other he has lived.

I think...win. This will at least be a thrilling novel, something like a Dan Brown to occupy my mind and rip me from my rut of non-fiction texts. The front of the book even has gold shiny bits! GOLD! The front-illustration is enough to draw me and many a ferret in. 

So when I get halfway through the book I am enraged. Halfway is about when you know, just know, this book won't pick up. It isn't getting any better and you have resigned yourself to boredom. Now, I am not as near death as some older readers, who might say "you don't have long to live, put it down and choose another." I still feel I have endless time so I NEED to finish a book. If I don't it's blasphemy AND it might turn into a Life of Pi, having a huge twist at the end, which completes my life. So I, of course, read a few book reviews and get a resounding womp womp from fellow readers. It is as boring as it is long. I express to Bond my boredom and how I am dragging through it just to finish and be rid of it. 

Now here comes my payback. In 1999 Mom and Sean gave me, A Book Lover's Diary which I have written in since. The front is inscribed, "Merry Christmas Katie! Keep on reading!" which I can't help but read in a Southern accent with intense twang, so it turns into a "keep onnnnnnnn readin!" It is here where I harbour my vengeance. I give the book half a star (can you believe it!), with a malicious review and undoubtedly tearing the author a new one. Ranting about pointless words, and plots that never amount to anything; unable to draw the reader in if it had my own name woven into it. I know it might seem small to you, but I give a maniacal laugh after I place my last full stop on the page, writing something like "Who should read this book? No one." MUAHAHAHA! Revenge at last. Eat that boring authors! I will recommend your book to no one! MUAHAHAHA! It is the ultimate shame to be placed in this part of my book diary. They WILL never know my rage!

2011 Fall 2012 Spring Booklist