Mouth O' Flames

I enjoy a good mouthwash because, especially now living with Mr. Bond, I like to keep my mouth minty fresh in case of spontaneous smooches.

Anyway, I tend to stick to Listerine because I feel it is a challenge - one I have never conquered. If you have ever purchased Listerine, you may already know what I am hinting at. If you have ever bought Listerine and been bored whilst stuck on the toilet, you definitely know what I am hinting at. I am talking about the Listerine directions of usage on the bottle and their website.

I have included them for your background knowledge.

 Adults and children 6 years of age and older:

• Use twice daily after brushing your teeth with a
  toothpaste
• Vigorously swish 10 ml (2 teaspoonfuls) of rinse 
  between your teeth for 1 minute and then spit out
• Do not swallow the rinse
• Do not eat or drink for 30 minutes after rinsing
• Supervise children as necessary until capable of 
  using without supervision

I don't think so Listerine, or should I say...Johnson & Johnson Healthcare Products Division of McNeil-PPC Inc.

Sure swishing around in your mouth sounds easy enough, but they don't tell you 10ml soon becomes 225ml with a chemical agent that produces copious amounts of foam. How can I swish something that becomes infinitely larger with every swish? Whenever I use it, I feel like I am in grade 10 science, calculating the doubling life of a protozoa.

Also, 1 minute isn't a very long time considering how long it takes me to get my hair did in the morning but it is a LONG 1 minute if you are gargling flames. Listerine is not rinsing your mouth with water - it is bathing your gums in bleach, mixed with ammonia, with a dash of jalapenos, and a side of draino. Within seconds of the liquid entering my mouth, I feel my flesh peel back on my cheeks. Any company can boast killing 99.9% of germs when they also kill 99.9% of healthy tissue. Using twice a day would leave me looking like Harvey Dent post Joker incident.

Lastly, no eating or drinking for 30 minutes after is simply torture. Eating or drinking would be the only thing to soothe the pain. My dentist told me once that rinsing my mouth out with water after completely negated me using Listerine. Is this medical fact? I have never known a substance's chemical nature to be altered entirely by a quick gulp of water. Isn't water one of the most neutral substances on earth? That's how they get you though, more times you attempt to withstand and cave, the more new gulps you take - steadily decreasing your supplies.

I will keep trying to meet this challenge head on, twice daily. And when I do - I will let them know!